Like A Failure, What Can You Do to Regain Happiness?
Debbie Takara Shelor
now and then a person has to feel like a failure in order
to turn it around.
you have to have a break down before it can turn into a
years ago I started noticing that I wasn't happy. I was
ill more often than was O.K. with me and I seemed to only
find pleasure in writing.
asking, "Whatever happened to my joy? I must have had
some joy in my life at some point. But where has it gone?
happy in high school. We moved to a new town when I was
entering the 9th grade and I cried everyday after school
for almost a year because I just didn't know how to fit
in with the same crowd - or type of kids - that I'd been
friends with in my previous school. I felt like a failure
at making my high school life work. I didn't even attend
the 5 year reunion because the pain was still so great.
there were times in grade school and junior high when I
was very very happy.
during my engineering career my laugh was so infectious
and wonderful that one of the plant managers used to comment
about it often. He loved my laugh.
the laugh was even gone for awhile.
had it gone? When and why did my joy leave?
sitting in my office "trying" yet another thing
to make our business successful. I had already spent hours
(years) upgrading the website, answering email, writing
the newsletters, reading about effective marketing.
husband - whose timing is always impeccable - came in to
the room and said "Here you sit. Again! You are in
front of the computer when I leave for work and you are
on it when I come home. You don't do anything else."
Then he just turned and left.
defend myself. I didn't try to explain why it was so important
to be doing what I'd been doing. I just sat there and thought
about it and realized he was right. There I sat and I wasn't
even enjoying it. The only thing I enjoyed was writing the
newsletters, but the rest brought me no joy. I was now in
a state of realizing that "something isn't right here."
same day he called and asked me why our bank account had
a negative balance?
no reply. I went numb. After I hung up the phone, I had
a complete and total physical and emotional breakdown. I
was sobbing really big tears. And I was ready to leave -
the planet I mean. I had had it. I was a complete and total
failure (in my own mind). I couldn't even manifest a positive
bank account. I was exhausted from the struggle. I hated
the game (life). I hated my life (the things I had co-created).
I was - in that most magical of moments - often referred
to as the Dark Night of the Soul. That amazingly horrible
wonderful instant when you can choose to sink or swim. That
time when we are forced to make a real choice - to change
our life permanently for the better or stay stuck in anger,
hatred, sadness, or whatever other type of negativity. I
had "hit the wall" as they say. I felt like an
absolute and total failure. The old way was absolutely no
been there before - back in 1993. That experience is what
caused my spiritual awakening. Interestingly it was brought
on by the same type of thing. Depression - severe depression
over the loss of a job I totally and completely loved.
see I had become completely co-dependent on what I considered
the perfect magical job for myself. I was a Team Leader
in the Bayer Factory. We made all the Bayer Aspirin in the
U.S. I was co-creator of a self-directed work team. I got
to travel. I got to teach team, communication, and quality
skills. I got to work one on one with employees - their
personal development. I worked night and day. It was difficult,
but I had a mission - create a successful self-directed
the more things I tried, the harder it became, the more
problems there seemed to be.
then the unthinkable happened.
company restructured and I was taken out of the Bayer Factory.
I was no longer a Team Leader in a self directed work environment.
I was a front line supervisor in a traditional (archaic)
factory - a job I had turned down at least 6 times prior
to this. To say I was devastated hardly begins to describe
all the things I felt.
had been wretched out from under me - and there was nothing
I could do about it. Once again, my life felt like a failure.
almost 10 years later, I finally saw the truth. The truth
is I thought my one shot at real glory had been shattered.
I was so co-dependent on the "success" of the
project that I couldn't see the truth. The truth is I didn't
care about the success of the team. What I cared about was
me being part of something wildly successful. If I was part
of something wildly successful, then I would finally deserve
and therefore receive the acknowledgement and appreciation
I was so desperately seeking from - oh no - my dad.
up I never got it. I tried everything. I was the best at
practically everything I did. I'd come home with straight
A's and my dad's only comment would be "Why weren't
they A+'s?" That's it. After all I had put into achieving
I never received the reward. I was a failure in my own mind
even when I was excelling.
of this I developed the belief that no matter what I did,
it wasn't good enough and it would never bring me happiness.
So I had to try harder, try more things, and the more attached
I was to the outcome being a success, well (as is always
the case when you are attached to an outcome) the bigger
the failure it became.
you are attached to the outcome there is no way for there
to be a good result. Actions not taken in joy never result
taking actions out of joy. I was taking actions out of desperation.
Trying desperately to achieve something worthy of praise.
Trying desperately not to be a failure in the eyes of others
and in my own eyes.
driving force behind all of my actions was not desire to
attain my value of helping people or making a difference.
My actions were being taken from the shear terror of how
I'd feel (and always did feel) because my dad must not love
me since he never praised my accomplishments.
father represents Father (the masculine aspect of God),
then God must not be pleased with me either. Great!
more I tried, the more things didn't work, the more unhappy
I became. So I tried with more determination, with greater
attachment to the outcome. So of course all I experienced
was disappointment and complete lack of joy. I didn't enjoy
the work because it was full of disappointment - I had WAY
too many expectations. I couldn't enjoy my former husband,
or my son, or where we live - even though all three of those
are fabulous. I NEVER took time for myself. Because the
only thing that mattered was the success (or in this case
lack of success) of the business.
was completely on what I didn't have and the sense of failure
I felt. And I completely lost sight of what I did have -
which was a great deal.
human personality is such a silly character. Lets get to
the truth of the matter.
(and does) my father love me?
he acknowledge my accomplishments?
in his own way.
he proud of me?
have no idea how very proud.
the little girl - we don't know how old she was when she
decided all this - wasn't getting the exact right words
or actions at the exact right time to satisfy her own insecurity.
So she made all the other stuff up and began living life
from that perspective. A completely debilitating set of
beliefs and patterns with really no justification for their
do that you know!
is the worst thing you can do for your immune system? Experience
for long periods of time negative (or low vibratory) emotions
such as anger, hatred, fear, depression, sadness, etc. I'd
been stuck in sadness and depression. So I became ill. And
no matter what I tried things didn't really improve.
Dark Night of the Soul literally freed me from the shackles
of a limiting belief that I'd carried most of my life. After
the initial breakdown - which was very short lived - this
huge energetic boulder, that was much bigger than I am,
shattered into a million pieces and fell to the floor all
around me. It was gone. I mean it was really gone.
next day, after this experience of discovering the shadow,
I turned 41. It was Spring Equinox - a time of rebirth and
literally faced with having to redefine who I Am and what
matters to me. A kind of scary idea. All of my goals, values,
and everything had this false belief underneath them. Now
that it was gone its like I had to start again. I had to
re-evaluate my values. I had to look at my goals to see
if they made sense. And, finally, it felt like for the first
time in my life I could breathe deep and relax.
everything was about being perceived as being successful
- so everyone, especially my dad, would love me. So, nothing
and I mean nothing, could be left to chance. The stress
this creates is almost unimaginable.
"thing" driving me in every moment wasn't even
something in my best interest. It caused stress which leads
to disease. It required taking actions that I didn't even
enjoy. It was my creation - a belief of how life is, how
life works, what really mattered, based on mistruths.
wanted me to excel - feeling that would bring me happiness.
So he urged me to do that in his own way.
entire goal of this journey we call life is to discover
the truth and move forward into the Light. The light of
freedom. A life of love, joy, laughter, creativity, and
fun unencumbered by the shackles we've placed on ourselves.
only mission is to discover and re-merge (become) the Divine
Being we already are - going past the illusions and fears
of being human.
said the journey was easy. But it is the only journey that
has any lasting value. Everyone's journey is different and
perfect. And the journey never ends.
what's happening with me you ask?
I went off into the mountains and wrote a book called Freeway
to Freedom. The meditations I was "given"
involve dolphin healing technologies and they permanently
heal issues, beliefs, fears, the past, and more.
with the help of those technologies, the Phoenix (me) has
definitely risen from the ashes:
soooo much lighter.
things used to be really hard - and often didn't happen.
I think I thought that if I never finished, then whatever
it was couldn't be judged as a success or a failure. There
have been many completions since then.
no longer struggling with the same issues. So I'm no longer
exhausted from the struggle. Yeah!
I'm with someone I'm really with them enjoying the moment.
I don't have to worry about their perception of my perfection
and success. And I don't have a million to do's running
through my head.
I think of something that "should" be done, the
first thing I ask myself is "Would doing that bring
me joy?" If the answer is no, then I don't do it -
at least not right then. I wait until I can enjoy doing
it or I don't do it at all.
you ever felt like a failure?
you ever experienced feeling totally defeated, like you
have failed at something really important? It might be that
your marriage ended, or your child got into trouble or didn't
reach their potential, or you lost your job. Maybe, like
me, you went through a job restructuring and felt you were
demoted or a failure at your new position. Maybe you tried
to start your own business and it didn't really take off.
Or perhaps you just aren't happy and can't figure out why.
and failure walk hand in hand. What do they each mean to
you? What does it feel like or look like to be successful?
What does it feel like or look like to be a failure?
you focus on the failure, you rarely even notice the success.
Start finding what is good, what you can be grateful for,
what is like a blessing.
are many people who are facing the wall (of their shadow)
or have actually hit the wall - people who feel like they
are a failure or have failed at some aspect of their life.
Alot of them don't know what to do. Feel free to share the
story I just told you about my own experience and suggest
that they look for the mistruth or limiting belief that
has caused them to come to the place they are at in their
many tools and experiences that can help.
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About the Author: Debbie "Takara" Shelor is a bestselling author, award-winning speaker, engineer, and consultant. She is the creator of Dancing
Dolphin Energy Healing Aromatherapy Products and many other
high vibration technologies. Her free email newsletter, Here's to Your Magnificence, is read by several thousand
people from over 100 countries across the globe. Get your free Magnificent U Starter Kit and learn to be healthy, happy, and successful as you define success by visiting this link. She offers private
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at sea. She can be contacted at DebbieShelor.com or Magnificent U
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